I don't know what to do..

with myself.

I can't move. I cannot.

I'm lost. I'm alone. I've been betrayed. I've been lied too, schemed against, and torn down. Emotionally, torn down.

I'm lost.

All that I thought was, is not. All that I had, I do not. Alone with my thoughts, afraid of those words. I won't trust again. I cannot.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't move. I can't.


-SJR

Sleepless

When nights are sleepless I realize its because there is something going on in my life that is causing me a great deal of distress. Here's how it happens. I lay down, close my eyes, and replay everything I could have said, should have said, or wish I was brave enough to say, over and over again. And then when I think I have contemplated every single scenario, I imagine it again, another way. I toss. I turn. I whimper. No, not whimper out loud. Never that. But my heart cries silently. Then, I feel tired. I think I'm ready to close my eyes and finally put it all to rest.

So, I take a deep breath as I lay down, close my eyes and then I replay everything I could have said, should have said, or wish I was brave enough to say, over and over again. I'm not ready yet, so I toss and I turn.

Eventually, it all fades. Sleep must happen. Or something close enough to it.

-SJR

Voiceless wonder

How many times have you asked yourself the same question with no answer? In how many ways do you rationalize the irrational just to feel comfortable with your own decision.

Sometimes I question all that I say I want for myself because of all of my questionable decisions to ignore the true desire I have for happiness. I often wonder if I even know what true happiness really means. Do I really know how to love? Do I know how to recognize when I'm being loved? One can only ponder questions and thoughts such as these in a silent state, for fear of judgement, resentment, or hate. Not from others but from yourself. From the depths of the pain that lives within you.

I'm always afraid of being bold. I'm always worried that I can't take things back. Then I close my eyes and imagine myself being brave. I imagine myself being.. happy.

What an image of freedom. How nice it must be.

Instead, instead though,  I cry more nights than I care to admit. I laugh and smile hoping my eyes don't give me away.

But whose really looking to notice. No one, really. 

I want to bud like a rose, blossom and grow, smell nice and look bright and be delicate yet strong... because I am.  I want to smile towards the sun as it shines down  on me giving me strength to grow.

But  no matter how many times I tell myself and no matter how many ways I rationalize the irrational, I'm still not comfortable to make a decision. Still not. Happy.


-SJR