How many times have you asked yourself the same question with no answer? In how many ways do you rationalize the irrational just to feel comfortable with your own decision.
Sometimes I question all that I say I want for myself because of all of my questionable decisions to ignore the true desire I have for happiness. I often wonder if I even know what true happiness really means. Do I really know how to love? Do I know how to recognize when I'm being loved? One can only ponder questions and thoughts such as these in a silent state, for fear of judgement, resentment, or hate. Not from others but from yourself. From the depths of the pain that lives within you.
I'm always afraid of being bold. I'm always worried that I can't take things back. Then I close my eyes and imagine myself being brave. I imagine myself being.. happy.
What an image of freedom. How nice it must be.
Instead, instead though, I cry more nights than I care to admit. I laugh and smile hoping my eyes don't give me away.
But whose really looking to notice. No one, really.
I want to bud like a rose, blossom and grow, smell nice and look bright and be delicate yet strong... because I am. I want to smile towards the sun as it shines down on me giving me strength to grow.
But no matter how many times I tell myself and no matter how many ways I rationalize the irrational, I'm still not comfortable to make a decision. Still not. Happy.
-SJR
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